Sex is NOT a Cookie Cutter Experience
SEX IS NOT A COOKIE CUTTER EXPERIENCE Recently I sat on a panel as an expert on sex and relationships. The audience was made up of about 90% of millennials, who were black professionals, in the Uptown Dallas area for Happy Hour. This event was hosted The Charm Skool Show which is a Youtube Show. The topic was "Cuffing Season". Cuffing Season is the period between November 1 to about February 1. Cuffing Season is when you choose a "Cuddie Buddy". This experience can be a serious or causal relationship. Cuffing Season was termed due to the change in season and individuals find themselves desiring the need for intimacy.
As I started to explain the difference between intimacy versus sex; I was interrupted by a male attendee who stated women always want "aggressive sex". Meaning every woman, at all times, want their backs blown out while having sex. I explained that sex is too complex to be a one size fits all experience; which led me to want to write this article on why "Sex is NOT a Cookie Cutter Experience."
THE ROOTS OF INTIMACY When I define sex I always explain the roots of intimacy which include the psychological, spiritual, and physical. The psychological can be described as one's self-concept, perception of emotions, past/present experiences, and self-identity. The physical component encompasses what you see, hear, taste, touch, and smell. Spirituality is defined as your intuition, morals/values, and where you find peace. Conflict in any of the three areas will cause conflict in a "women" sexual experience.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN INTIMACY, A QUICKIE, ROUTINE SEX, AGGRRESSIVE SEX
Intimacy is vulnerability and closeness. It is the exchanges of mutual openness. It is the feeling you get when you know you are special to someone. Intimacy is an expression not just a physical exchange. The connection is the most important component of intimacy.
A quickie is a quick orgasm or release. It is usually intense not necessarily intimate. Quickies are usually deliberate and short. The function of a quickie is to "get one off. " Sometimes individuals like quickies due to time limitations. Quickies can sometimes be "aggressive".
Routine Sex for this article is usually out of an obligation. Partners are just going through the motions. There is no thought put into it. The same old positions and touching. It can be a little longer than a quickie and usually not intense.
Aggressive Sex is usual seen as very intense, physically vigorous, and passionate experience. It can be unpredictable and spontaneous. Aggressive sex can be a power exchange and even forceful. Although NOT nonconsensual. Aggressive sex is when she has been thinking about sex all day and there is a buildup. She needs her pipes cleaned.
THE ROLE THAT MOOD PLAYS INTO SEX To help you understand how mood plays into sex; let me get back to the scenario from the panel experience. The visual imagery I described went a little like this:
"Your girl calls you and states she was having a bad day. You tell her to come straight home after work because you have a surprise for her. When you greet her at the door you take her coat, her purse, and remove her shoes. You tell her not to say a word, just trust you, and follow your instructions. You lead her to the bathroom and remove her clothes. Then you assist her into the tub. You proceed to give her a bath. Then you assist her out of the tub and dry her off. You lead her to the bedroom with soft music, aroma candles, and lotion her down. Whisper "Go to sleep". Then tuck her into the bed. Shhhh "No sex" This is intimacy."
Fellas the sexual experience will not end there because when she wakes up, she will be so grateful, that she just might blow your back out!
One wonderful quality that you can develop in your sex life is knowing and understanding your partner's mind state or mood. Then setting the atmosphere to meet your partner's needs. Sometimes women want intimacy, sometimes a quickie, sometimes routine sex, and sometimes aggressive sex. Your ability to read your partner is a skill. This skill will take you from cookie cutter to an executive chef.
About the Author: Theresa Braddy MRC, LPC is a License Professional Counselor in the Dallas area. Ms. Braddy has a passion for women and their issues. Ms. Braddy has been doing therapy for 20 years. Recently she published a book called "A Girls Has Needs But A Woman Knows What She Wants." Braddy has appear on Good Morning Texas broadcast as a relationship expert and local talk show to offer relationship tips.